remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
