I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Randomize
