my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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