New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
