I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Randomize
