This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Randomize
