i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
