this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
cat food counts as protein by the way
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
