i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
