I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Randomize
