the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Randomize
