I realized that I've made out with a different boy almost every time we've gone to mcgoreys....I don't need a boyfriend...I have that bar
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
