Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
You may now shotgun with the bride
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
