Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Randomize
