I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize