Whats the count minus fat chicks?
So squirting runs in the family.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
