I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
