planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
