Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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