if i can run in heels then i can drive
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I have post one night stand depression
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