My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
