i think my tv is drunk
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
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