Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
This toilet bowl is my home.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize