Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
