Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize