wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Randomize
