I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
