Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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