I met the friendliest cop last night
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
