I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
