If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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