I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
