Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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