You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
