Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
Randomize
