Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
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