I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
