your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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