I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize