Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
