god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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