My cat gives me a boner
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize