Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
organizing the empties. That sober.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
He's on the porch naked. Help.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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