I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
