maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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