If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
I think my moral compass just broke
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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