I wish I could teleport
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
