I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
i drank out of a bidet.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
