last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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