I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
If I die, sorry about rent.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Randomize
