i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I just saw Ann slam dunk her puke bag into a trash can on Avenue A. You ladies might want to consider putting the Patron shots down and going home.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
