We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Randomize