I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Randomize
