finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
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