I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
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