I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
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