I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Randomize
