Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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