I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
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