If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
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