a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Terrible idea I love it
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
