last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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