he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
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