im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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